Savior (An Impossible Novel) Read online

  He was really killing my buzz. Didn’t he understand I didn’t want to be vulnerable to my emotions? This was how I took control of them.

  No, this is how you suppress them, a nasty little truthful voice corrected me. But I ignored it.

  “You weren’t doing anything wrong,” I insisted. “I wanted it. I want you.”

  I reached out and fisted my hand in his shirt, using it as an anchor to pull my body towards his once again. He pressed his palm against my chest, stopping me short. My nipples hardened as I became aware of how close he was to touching my breasts. He seemed to realize the same thing, and he jerked his hand away as though my flesh burned him.

  I made an exasperated sound and released him. “Fine,” I snapped, throwing up my hands. “I get it. You’re too much of a goody-two-shoes to break a few rules. I don’t know what happened to the Clayton I met last night, but he was much more fun than Agent Vaughn.” I imbued the title with as much venom as I could muster.

  His brows drew together angrily. “I’ve made mistakes before, Rose. I don’t want to make them with you.”

  “Mistakes? Is that what that kiss was? Is that what last night was? A mistake?!” I was suddenly livid. And more than a little hurt.

  He instantly caught my hands in his, his expression contrite. “That’s not what I meant at all,” he said gently. “It’s just… I’ve misread situations before. I don’t want you to do something you might regret because I made a move at an inappropriate time.”

  He really was too good to be true. It might have been admirable if it wasn’t so goddamn irritating. His sense of honor was getting in the way of my good time.

  “Believe me, you haven’t misread anything here,” I assured him. “Besides, I fucked you before I knew my brother and I were in danger. So you can drop the ‘it wouldn’t be professional’ bullshit.”

  Clayton frowned. “You’ve had a rough day. I don’t want you to regret something that we might do right now. Besides, I don’t just want to fuck you, Rose.”

  I snorted. “You wanted to last night.”

  His frown deepened and his eyes flashed. “I told you I don’t do one-night-stands. I never would have invited you back to my place if I hadn’t wanted to see you again. I certainly didn’t want to meet you again under the current circumstances, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t glad our paths crossed.” He glared at me. “You weren’t going to call me, were you?”

  My first instinct was to scoot away from him. He looked pissed off and a little dangerous. And damn was it a good look on him.

  “And why did you lie to me about your name?” He demanded when I didn’t answer right away.

  I tried to extricate my hands from his, suddenly uncomfortable with the turn this conversation was taking. Only a moment ago I was sure he was going to help me fuck all of my cares away, but now he was prying into painful subjects. Who was he to question my life choices? My anger flared hot and bright.

  “What is this, an interrogation?” I snapped. “You might be some big-shot FBI agent, but the last time I checked there were no laws against being a slut.”

  Clayton’s expression was livid, his eyes blazing. He stood stiffly, all of his muscles taut with his anger. “You’re not a slut, Rose. But if that’s how I make you feel, then I’ll leave you alone. I’m sorry I forced my way onto your case. I shouldn’t have imposed myself on you in that way. We’ll still be keeping an eye on you, but there’s no need for me to be in your personal space in order to keep you safe. You have my number. Call me if you or your brother need anything.”

  I was too stunned to move to stop him as he strode out of my apartment. How had I just fucked things up so epically? One minute I was close to getting the release I needed, and the next I was sitting alone on my bed, feeling like shit about myself.

  “You’re not a slut, Rose.”

  That just proved he didn’t know me at all. Or maybe he envisioned me as a different person than I was. Maybe his pure-as-the-driven-snow ego couldn’t allow him to see the truth of what I was, as though acknowledging my disrepute might tarnish him in some way.

  It didn’t matter anyway. I was just relieved he was gone. I had told myself it would be unwise to try to see Clayton again after our night of passion, and it turned out I had been right.

  Chapter 5

  I had to fight down the urge to spew the disgusting drink right back out of my mouth. “Ugh, that tastes like dirty woodchips or something!” My hand darted across the table to grab Penny’s cosmopolitan, which I gulped down eagerly. The sugary sweetness of it helped to wash away the nasty flavor.

  “Hey!” My friend cried. “That’s mine! And I told you not to order that crap. It’s what old men with no taste-buds left drink.” Her glower was censorious as I set down the now-empty martini glass. “I believe you owe me a cocktail.”

  “Shit. Sorry. I’ll trade you?” I asked hopefully, pushing the glass of neat whisky in her direction.

  Penny just tossed her long brown hair over her shoulder and raised one eyebrow, shooting me her best you have got to be fucking kidding me look with those glacial blue eyes. Damn, she looked cool when she did that. I had always wished I could. Unfortunately, I looked like I was having some kind of fit if I tried to raise one eyebrow.

  With a resigned sigh, I went to the bar and ordered two more cosmos, trying not to wince as I handed over my credit card. I really couldn’t afford them, especially after the Glenfiddich I had ordered proved to be un-drinkable.

  How the hell does Clayton drink that crap? I wondered.

  A better question is: Why the hell did you order it?

  It had been three days since Clayton had stormed out of my apartment, and I hadn’t heard from him since. But that didn’t stop my mind from constantly thinking about him. I hated how upset I had made him. Putting together a few pieces, it had become clear to me that he was dealing with some past fuck-up of his own regarding fraternization in the workplace. He was just trying to be careful not to make the same mistakes again.

  Of course he was. Doing so might cost him his job.

  Or maybe he really is just a decent guy.

  I rolled my eyes at myself. It didn’t matter if he was a knight in shining armor or a self-centered jerk. I wasn’t going to see him again. I had made sure of that with my childish actions. It was for the best, really.

  Plastering on a cheery, carefree smile, I headed back to my table.

  “So, who’s the asshole?” Penny asked perceptively.

  My smile wavered slightly. I had invited her out to throw back some drinks and dance, not hash out my problems. But maybe a good bitching session would help me get my mind off of Clayton.

  “Cheryl. Who else?” It took no extra effort to spit out her name like something distasteful. Penny knew all about the bitch; she used to work at Ivory too. She had gone to the same school as Cheryl had, so of course she had no trouble getting the job. It also didn’t hurt that she came from a wealthy background, so somehow that made her a person of worth in Cheryl’s eyes. But, much to my surprise, Penny was actually a sweet, down-to-earth person. And she knew how to keep up with me at a party. We had only worked together for six months before she found a job somewhere else. The way Cheryl treated me drove her crazy, and as much as I appreciated her show of solidarity, I asked her to keep her nose out of it. She was my only friend at work, and I didn’t want to lose her. But then one day Cheryl had apparently said something so out of line that Penny couldn’t stop herself from going off on her. She still wouldn’t tell me what it was Cheryl had said, and a part of me was grateful for that. I didn’t think I really wanted to know. In any case, her tirade had resulted in her being asked to leave Ivory. But Penny was smart and talented and she had the piece of paper that said she had the right education, so she quickly found employment elsewhere. I missed having a friend at work, but we still got together regularly for a good, long drinking session.

  That imperious brow rose again. “The guy, Rose,” Penny insisted. “Who’s t
he guy?”

  Shit. I didn’t realize she was that perceptive.

  “What makes you think there’s a guy?”

  “Well, for one thing – don’t take this the wrong way – you’re not looking your best today.”

  I couldn’t help laughing at that. I could always count on Penny to bluntly cut to the chase. “How could I possibly take that the wrong way?”

  She waved away my sarcastic comment. “You’re still drop-dead-gorgeous. And I know not all of us are fortunate enough to not have to own foundation, but you really should invest in some if you’re going to have dark circles like that. I’ve known you to pull an all-nighter and still show up at work the next day looking fresh as a daisy. So how much sleep have you lost over this guy?”

  I touched my face self-consciously. “Damn, does it show that badly?”

  “No one who didn’t know you would even notice,” she assured me. “But then you ordered that drink and I knew something was up. That has ‘man-drink’ written all over it. What really worries me is I’ve never seen anyone under the age of sixty order it in a bar. Please don’t tell me you’ve fallen for some geriatric.”

  I rolled my eyes at her. “He’s probably not even thirty.”

  “Ha!” She snapped her fingers and smiled triumphantly. “So it is a guy.”

  “Fine,” I threw up my hands in defeat. “It’s a guy.”

  She considered me carefully for a moment, tapping a perfectly-manicured fingernail against her full red lips. “Why, Rose Baker, I don’t think I’ve ever known you to get your panties in a bunch over a man. You usually eat them alive, not the other way around.”

  “I do not!” I protested.

  My friend shot me a level look. “I’ve seen you hunt down your quarry like a hungry lioness. And you always get your kill.”

  “I am not a lioness!” God, she made me sound like some sort of predator. I wanted to be the prey. But Penny didn’t know about my kinks, so I kept that piece of information to myself.

  “Okay, maybe a Siren, then,” she conceded. “You tend to lure them in rather than tackling them to the ground. But the fact is you always get the one you want, and you always get him on your terms. Now the question is: Who has finally turned the tables on you?”

  “Yeah, I definitely prefer the Siren thing,” I deflected.

  “You didn’t answer my question,” she pointed out. “Who is he, and what did he do to you?”

  I pursed my lips, not up for sharing. She just cocked that damn eyebrow again. I sighed, giving in to its power.

  “His name is Clayton. And he didn’t do anything, exactly. It’s… complicated.”

  I couldn’t tell her about what was going on with Greg and the FBI even if I had wanted to. And I definitely didn’t want to talk about Greg. I had barely seen him since he had gotten violent with me, and when I had he had been totally strung out. The one time he had been lucid I had to bully him into eating something. I tried to ask him how he was holding up, but he had just snapped at me until I gave up.

  Some of my frustration and hurt must have shown in my expression, because Penny nodded sagely. “It looks like it is pretty complicated. What’s wrong with him? Is he mean to you? I know you go for the rough, bad-boy type. They’re hot, but they will always hurt you in the end.”

  Didn’t I know it. Marco had taught me that lesson a long time ago. He was brawny and tattooed and mean as hell. But he was sweet to me, and I had loved him for it. The fact that he was this terrifying guy who would deny his violent urges just for me made me feel special. I thought our relationship had changed him. But you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. And guys like that rarely want to. He turned that side of himself on me once, and I was done. It had shattered my heart, but I wasn’t going to stay with a guy who thought hitting me in anger was a forgivable offense.

  “No,” I quickly came to Clayton’s defense. “He’s not like that. He’s a really nice guy.”

  “‘Nice?’ Say no more. I totally get it. He’s great, but he’s a total wet blanket in the sack, right? That is a predicament.”

  Images of my hot night with Clayton flashed across my mind, and I blushed. “No,” I said firmly. “That is most definitely not the problem.”

  Penny looked at me quizzically. “So let me get this straight,” she said, holding up three fingers. “He’s not geriatric.” She ticked down one finger. “He’s nice.” A second finger went down. “And the sex was amazing.” Now she was just holding up her fist, and she looked as though she was considering using it to knock some sense into me. “What’s the problem?”

  I really wanted to explain about the fucked up situation we were in with Greg in order to defend myself, but I wasn’t allowed to do that. And if I was really honest with myself, Greg wasn’t the problem here. Hadn’t I been holding Clayton at a distance ever since I had first met him?

  “Me,” I admitted quietly. “I guess I’m the problem.”

  Penny’s expression softened and she lowered her fist to rest her hand on mine reassuringly. “You’re not a problem,” she said gently. “But if some issue is holding you back, maybe you should talk to him about it.”

  I bit my lip, uncertain. “I’m not really good at talking about my issues.”

  “Really? I hadn’t noticed,” she said drily.

  I had always figured Penny thought of me as her carefree, hard-partying friend. But apparently she knew me better than I realized. The thought made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want her to stop hanging out with me if I became too much drama for her to handle. Because my life was loaded with more drama than an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

  Keen as ever, Penny seemed to recognize my discomfiture and gave me an out. She picked up her martini glass and clinked it against mine. “Bottoms up. Last one to finish buys the next two rounds.”

  The little cheat already had her glass to her lips before I could even get my hand around mine. But as experienced a drinker as Penny was, she was no match for me. I hated to rush through a ten-dollar cocktail, but I didn’t like losing. And my wallet definitely couldn’t afford to take another hit. My cosmo was gone in a matter of seconds.

  “Off to the bar with you then,” I decreed as I slammed down my empty glass. Penny’s was still half-full.

  “Damn. How do you do that?”

  “I just open my throat.” I winked at her.

  “You hear that, bro? She just opens her throat and takes it down.”

  “I’ll bet she does.”

  I looked over to see two college-aged boys standing at the bar near our table. One of them was grabbing his crotch obscenely while the other high-fived him.

  Penny’s gorgeous features twisted into something terrifying and livid. The boys froze, and one even took a step back in the wake of her ball-shriveling glare.

  “You think you can do better?” I asked them coolly as I slipped off my chair.

  “What are you doing?” Penny hissed at me.

  “I’ve got this,” I assured her. The corners of my lips turned up in my most devious smirk as I sauntered over to them. Their mouths were hanging open slightly, and the one guy didn’t seem to realize that he still had his hand on his dick.

  If I was a lioness, then I was going to rip these boys apart with my claws. And I was going to get a few free drinks in the process.

  I didn’t stop walking until I had entered their personal space. The deer-in-headlights look they were both giving me was priceless. I addressed the one who was touching himself.

  “Do you have herpes?” I asked bluntly.

  He looked confused for a moment, but then his eyes lit up. “No, don’t worry baby, I’m clean. Why? You interested?”

  “Not particularly.” I glanced down at his hand pointedly. “But it looks like you have an itch.”

  “Wha-” His face turned scarlet as my words registered, and he jerked his hand away as though his dick had morphed into a red-hot poker. The other boy laughed at his friend.

 
“No, baby, he was just trying to hide his boner after he saw you open your throat like that. Looks like you’ve had a lot of practice.”

  Inside, I bristled at the insinuation. It hit a little too close to home for my comfort. But I remained outwardly calm. Oh, I was going to make these guys pay. Literally.

  Penny had come to stand beside me now. It was clear she thought I was acting crazy, but she was a good enough friend that she would stand by me even if she did think I had gone insane. Besides, getting crazy on a night out on the town was kind of my thing. She was used to it.

  I just smiled at him. “And I believe I already asked you if you think you can do better?” My eyes flashed challengingly, and I was pleased to see the look of interest on the boy’s face.

  The one who I had embarrassed was still pissed, though. “No, baby, we don’t suck dick.”

  His friend punched him hard on the shoulder. “Hey, don’t be an ass, dude.” He looked at me apologetically. “I’m Jeff,” he introduced himself. “This douchebag is Sam. And he doesn’t have herpes, but he does have crabs.”

  “Yeah,” Sam agreed, rubbing his arm where Jeff had punched him. “I got them from your mom.”

  “Your mom” jokes? Really?

  I giggled to stroke his ego, and he grinned at me. Apparently I was easily forgiven for mocking him about having herpes. What he didn’t realize was that I hadn’t even begun to truly fuck with him.

  “This is Gloria,” I hooked my thumb at Penny. “And I’m Stella.” I always tried to come up with a new fake name. It was like being someone else for a night. Rose had a bitchy boss and a junkie brother and the FBI breathing down her neck. Stella could be anyone she wanted to be.

  Penny rolled with it, not confused in the slightest. This wasn’t her first rodeo with me.

  “Are you boys up for a drinking competition?” I challenged.

  Jeff puffed out his chest a little. “I don’t think that would be very fair.” His eyes roved over Penny and me in a way he probably thought was flattering. “You two ladies don’t look like you could handle much booze.”